May 24, 2021

Dear Jamie,

Today is your 25th birthday. Is that something to celebrate? Or is it time to grieve more since you have not been here for over 19 years?

Something that your mom and I have talked about is the way so many things are not simply “either/or,” but are instead “both/and.” This is one of those times for me. So yes, I am both (celebrating, appreciating, grateful, full of love) and (grieving, feeling loss, and a little mournful.)

Truthfully, though, my focus today has been leaning a little more toward that celebration side of things. I am so appreciating your presence in my life, both in that warm and affectionate body you had, but also in this bodiless form you have been in for so long.

A few things I am feeling grateful for today:

~ Sydney, your kindergarten girlfriend, who has become my close friend and “daughter-in-law,” and who stopped by this morning with vegan donuts and a beautiful handwritten note and laughter for the house and so much love and vibrance.

~a touching poem sent from my brother this morning.

~the love of my sweet wife, Debbie, and the laughter of my son, Liam- they brighten and add meaning to my life daily.

~contact from a few faraway friends today. I’m not sure if they would want or need name-mention here, but you know who you are. I love you and thank you.

~the incredible gifts of folks who helped when life was at its darkest. I’ve been thinking of Ken Druck, and the folks from The Compassionate Friends groups, and the Hospice folks who set up camps and classes for those in grief, and for Karl Anthony and Jean Lagorio, and Blair Tabor, and Julie Kyker, and for so many others who reached into our world of grief to offer so many things. There are too many to name here, from Adults of Unity friends to counselors to psychiatrists to ministers and musicians. I have been deeply blessed by a whole clan and crew of amazing humans surrounding me in my life.

~an absolutely beautiful day filled with love and abundance and great food and the Pacific Ocean.

~and last, but not least, upcoming bean, rice & guacamole burritos for dinner! I have eaten them in your honor for the past twenty of your birthdays. You did love a good bean burrito, and so do I!

This is really just a partial list. Thank you for all you taught me, all you continue to teach me, and all the love we continue to share, in whatever form we take. Happy Birthday, sweet, sweet son.

I love you forever, beautiful boy. i mo chroí go deo

© 2021 Mychael McNeeley