June 26, 1996
I had this idea earlier this morning of writing a journal of letters to you, my beautiful new son, as you grow up. If you are reading this, you must be grown up. I plan to give it to you when I hope it means something to you- at a time when our family becomes interesting, fun, and maybe important to you.
You are the most precious and beautiful baby in the universe. You just passed your one- month birthday a couple of days ago. Right at this moment you are suckling mommy’s breast and dozing off. It’s close to 11 PM, a time which seems to be difficult for you the past couple of weeks. Most of the time you seem so content, but for some reason, late at night, you’ve been crying inconsolably for between one and three hours. Theories range between indigestion and colic to just not being quite used to being in your body as reasons for these late-night bouts of discomfort. Jim Benson felt that it could be around this time when your connection with the spiritual realm pulls hardest.
I’ve been trying to comfort you and let you know that I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe and comfortable through this transition (and also have given you some stuff to help if you just have indigestion).
Well, you just started crying, so I’ve gotta go.
November 19, 1996
One rosy cheek up
Breathes quietly with open mouth
On mother’s soft body
Rising and falling
With her breathing
January 1, 1997
Your first New Year’s
…You and I went for a long drive out to the Palomar Mountain area last Sunday and had a great time.
Mom is studying for her MFCC oral exam on Sundays. I have been spending the day with you. It gives me a good excuse to go out to the mountains. I put you in a baby backpack and we walk around. You seem to enjoy it, laughing and making noise. As a matter of fact, you’re a very happy baby in general, enjoying life in your human form.
February 17, 1997
Grandmother Fran has a strong feeling that you’ve come to earth to do something important, probably something spiritual. I know you are a teacher for me.
…Often, during the days when I’m away to work, I envision your beautiful smile, and warmth sweeps through me.
June 15, 1997
Father’s Day #2
The joy of being a father is something I couldn’t have imagined, and honestly didn’t think I would experience in this lifetime…
July 3, 1998
We’re on the plane home from Unity Village. I feel great from being at the conference and also excited to be on our way to see you again.
I know you did fine while we were gone. When we called you would get right on the phone and say, “It fun!”
Today it rained hard for a while at the Village. I put on a bathing suit and went out in it to play. I laid right down in the rushing water as is ran along the curb, and danced around in it, and just fully realized the wisdom in your statement “It fun!”
May you grow up to be a strong man with a very playful heart. It’s tricky to keep a childlike nature and joy while also being mature, but it is possible. I know, because I’ve tasted it this week. I love you with no strings attached.
February 8, 1999
The experience of being told, “I love you so much, Daddy”, is something I could never have imagined-beautiful connection we have.
September 4, 1999
I recently got some additional tattoo work done on my arm in Scotland. You’ve been asking me a lot about it. Today you told me that when you’re big like me you’re getting a tattoo of a Green Tiger.
October 10, 1999
You’re sleeping deeply.
It is really incredible how fast you’re learning new things, language, etc.
The love between us deepens. While I really didn’t think I’d have kids before you came along, just tonight I was with you and almost thinking I’d like one more. You’re definitely enough, but the love I receive from you is so powerful, I think it’s just really getting me to know how much I really crave that kind of affection and how I have it within me to give it back.
November 29, 1999
Forgot to mention lately- I asked mom to marry me! We’ve been on a rough ride but found we love each other and want to be together and want to create family with you in a (somewhat) traditional way. You don’t know the difference yet, but my hope is that through our commitment to each other, you know of our commitment to you and learn the lessons of relationship with us.
I put you to bed tonight, as I often do. I wanted to turn off the big light but you are learning to be scared- scared of monsters and so on. I assured you that you are safe and protected, that I am listening and watching over you. You have been connecting with Jesus and Batman as protectors over you. As I assure you that you are safe, I have conflicting thoughts. I realize I am lying just a little bit because I want you to feel perfectly safe. Yet I know that while you are most likely going to be fine tonight, I cannot truly guarantee it. Honesty is important to me, yet I choose to tell the little lie, and pray I’m never caught in it…pray that whether you are truly safe 100% or not, pray that you will outlast me by many years.
Your intuition speaks to you constantly. It is the voice within you. Please listen to it. Follow it. Don’t rely on the outside world with its billion opinions. Trust your deepest mind. Don’t even believe me, unless what I say coincides with what’s in you.
I love you,
July 17, 2001
…Mom and I just recently went to our annual Adults of Unity Conference at Unity Village. W had some incredible shifts while there. The week was focused on relationships. Joyce and Barry Vissell were the presenters. They really helped us to move back toward focusing more on the love we have for each other. We have tended to get off center at times, getting irritated or angry at each other and holding onto that. We’re learning more and more to really let go of anger quicker and be in love.
You are about to start kindergarten! Unbelievable how fast time moves. We are trying to get out to see Grandpa and Ani before school starts. Family is important to you, and also to mom and me. Although most of our family lives far away, we do our best to keep in touch and see them.
November 27, 2001
Today we took the training wheels off of your bike and rode up and down the street, me with a handful of your thick winter jacket to steady you.
Life is rolling along. September 11, two hijacked jets purposely hit the World Trade Center in New York, and our country has gone to war against an elusive enemy. We have struggled within ourselves and also with how to talk to you about the events. One wants to shield one’s child from the scariness in the world but knows one can only do so much to make one’s child feel safe.
Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’ve experienced being picked on by other kids. While I like living here, I do wonder if it’s a good place to raise you. Your mom and I will give it until you’re 10 and then decide whether we want you to go through your teenage years here.
January 31, 2002
You’ve begun to notice the suffering and pain in the world, yet you remain joyous. Recently you asked me why so many people get killed. I asked where you heard about some of the harsh things you were asking about. You said you heard them on the news.
“Why do you listen to the news?”, I asked.
“Because, Dad, I like to know what’s going on!”
It’s an interesting balance for me- to help you retain your childlike innocence as long as possible and yet be honest, which is important to me.
You’ve also begun to notice how many parents get divorced. I try to assure you, as I try to assure myself, that Mommy and I are committed to staying married and raising you together.
March 24, 2002
We went to Larry’s (from 3 doors down) 50th birthday party last night and participated in a food fight. What a blast!
You’ve been hanging out with your friends Adrian and Taylor. We have wonderful neighbors here in Azalea Park. We’re very lucky to have landed here. My hope is that we can stay here and raise you and grow old here. The neighborhood keeps getting better. We hope it is a place where you will think and grow and learn to work with your neighbors to make the world a better place.
April 29, 2002
Dear Sweet Son,
The deepest pain is upon us now.
You have gone from this earth.
We have cried and screamed and sat stone-faced for days now. So attached to you, so in love with you, missing you with heart-strangling, chest-pounding, no-breath aching. It’s the greatest fear made real. I would give up everything I have now to have you in my arms.
Mommy hurts so badly. We are clinging to each other and our family and friends. You are so loved by so many here. We’re all so incredibly sad.
I used to not know I even wanted to be a dad. Then you came into my life and I just melted. I loved you deeper than I knew I was capable of loving. You taught me so much. I shaped my world around being your dad. Such a bright, bright spark of a being you are.
I’m too torn up inside to write much now.
Forever in Love with You,