Getting Used to It

Getting Used To It

I’m kind of getting used to it now.
But what does that mean?

I’m getting used to the anguish that comes up daily to consume my heart.
The ache of longing and deep depression that constitute the rest of my day.

Am I used to the doubts, fears and questions of why?
The dissolution of my faith and beliefs.

Maybe it’s the awkward moments with people who used to be comfortable friends.
Trying to find the answer to “How are You?”

I’m growing accustomed to thoughts of my own death comforting me.
As my only wish is to be with my son.

Waking up to realize this nightmare is not a dream.
And I will not be with my son again today.

The ache in the pit of my stomach that turns from upset to nausea and back again.
The exhaustion I feel after a medicated 8 hours of dreamless sleep.

These are the things that now make up my day.
These are the things I live with.
These are the things I am getting used to.

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Jamie's Joy